In a segment on the Chelsea Handler’s Netflix show “Chelsea,” actress Drew Barrymore called her divorce to Will Kopleman the “biggest failure of her life.” She went on to say that going through divorce has caused her to feel like “I’m the biggest failure. This is the biggest failure. It is so shameful and hard to actually go through (it), even privately.”
Most divorced people, especially men, can relate. We like our plans to work. We like our dreams to become a reality. And when they don’t, we feel like we have failed. But take a closer look how she described her divorce experience. She said she was a failure. Not the marriage, but her personally.
I appreciate her honesty, and I am certain she is being genuine. But here is an important point: failure is an event, not a person.
The problem with identifying yourself as a failure rather than the event is that it can hinder your ability to moving on.
Feeling like you are a failure can lead to shame, and blind you to the possibilities of life post-divorce.
We must look at our divorce as a learning experience. Most failures provide us with an education. What was the turning point in the relationship? How did I contribute? What could I have done differently? We need to do a marriage autopsy and learn as much as we can. Then we can grow to the possibilities that await us.
A wise person once said “It doesn’t matter what happens to you, it matters what happens in you.” Hopefully Ms. Barrymore, and all of us who have experienced divorce, will allow ourselves to grieve, learn, and choose to be better.